Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Day Five: Stunt Driver

Day Five:

What's that movie with Jackie Chan and the ugly Wilson dude with the fucked up nose?  Shanghai Noon, is what I said to the Sophomore woman sitting in the backseat of my Black Mercedes-Benz with the slightly blue tinted windows.  It was probably 10:00 PM at night, we can call my passenger Peru, here name however as remember-able as it was, seems to have slipped my mind.

We had gotten about an inch of snow over the course of Monday afternoon maybe more as the night wore on and the flakes kept spitting to the ground.  I was being very daring you see, I had to put the summer tires back on the Merc.  I ended up bending a rim (so we think) that created a rather violent vibration.

As the drive started out, I offered the usual.  Bottle water, no, bubble gum, no, Tic Tac? was answered with a very excited yes.  Peru informs me that she's only been in the states for 2 years, but she speaks English very well.  I didn't even think to ask her where she had learned such perfect English.  My mind was on the frosty looking roads straight out of every movie you've ever seen Wisconsin in.  (I can't think of one, but someone will and it'll be Rad.)  I was being very conscientious of my passengers sense of safety and was driving extremely well mannered.  Despite my desire to hang the rear end out around every corner becoming unbearable.

Luckily I didn't have to wait long before the ever unpredictable Merc decided to step out of line.  A flick the steering wheel with my wrist and she straightened right up and out.  Peru's reaction time was much quicker than mine as she let out a hell of a screech!  In a sobering moment, I thought for sure she was going to be pissed, the Merc just doesn't slip sideways.  It has a short wheelbase which makes any lose of traction feel like a monumental slide.  To my astonishment, she says "That was really Cool!"  I of course down played off flash of brilliant driving by stating my abilities are far better than that.  (I wasn't trying to be arrogant, just honest.)  I can drift my Benz at will and with the summer tires on and I can steer with the throttle with relative ease.  She thinks that's the most amazing thing and likens me to someone in Tokyo Drift, likely not Dom.  *sigh*  I tell her that I'll showboat a bit, to which I had to explain the word showboat.  Many conversations where had as they darted from subject to subject as I turned block to block.  From what I did and Fritz to where she was from and how it came that she landed in Madison, WI.

The next right hand turn was her road, a pickup truck lined one lane drive, meaning it was a very narrow passage, her house was the 4th one down.  (Think Jason Statham movies with the black Audi when you read this.)

I turned the Merc in and blipped the throttle to induce the skid.  The nose of the Merc hits the Apex perfect as the rear end skid starts reaching its furthest point out.  I can feel traction meaning the car is going to straighten but I have the car perfectly centered in the lane.  I stand on the throttle and let the steering wheel slide in my hand a bit in an ever so graceful dance. Peru is screaming bloody murder in the back seat, but I glanced up to catch a huge grin as if she was riding an amusement ride.  As quickly as the skid started, punch the breaks and start counter steering as I drift Peru into her driveway stopping only feet from the Silver Jetta parked under the overhang.  I haven't made a woman scream in joy that loudly in years it would seem.  She thanked me for my A+ driving , I wonder if I'll get a needs improvement from Uber.  It happened about as fast as you were reading this paragraph, but to me it felt like an eternity.  I feel like when I'm behind the wheel of a car, I can slow down time.  Or I'm really really good, but I'm pretty sure I'm slowing down time.

Peru was from Shanghai China, and was in awe of the difference and similarities.  She gave all of Madison great compliments.  I was proud of my city.